


Patronage

by digimaniac33



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 14:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/digimaniac33/pseuds/digimaniac33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In another universe, the kids have to deal with an entirely different set of trolls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Patronage

\-- garrulousClairvoyant [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GC: Greetings, representative 9f the species which refers t9 itself as human.   
GC: 9f c9urse, if 6eing referred t9 as "human" is 9ffensive 9r triggering, I h9pe y9u will n9t h9ld my ign9rance against me.   
GC: Furtherm9re, if there is a m9re appr9priate term I sh9uld 6e using, d9 n9t hesitate t9 let me kn9w.   
GC: In fact, in 9rder t9 av9id any m9re p9ssi6le aggressi9ns against y9ur species, I will av9id any reference t9 it, excepting 9f c9urse th9se necessary t9 illuminate the striking and incredi6ly intriguing differences 6etween 9ur respective cultures, 9f c9urse.   
GC: Ah, perhaps n9w w9uld 6e an appr9priate time t9 menti9n that I am, in fact, a mem6er 9f an alien species.   
GC: F9rgive me if this frank statement has triggered y9u in any fashi9n. Please, let me kn9w if I have, and what I can d9 t9 help y9u return t9 a n9n-triggered state.   
GC: I 6elieve y9ur culture lacks a relati9nship equivalent t9 9ur m9irallegiance, 6ut if I am mistaken, I w9uld 6e m9re than happy t9 put 9ur discussi9n 9n h9ld until y9u have 6een a6le t9 c9ntact y9ur m9irail, assuming 9f c9urse y9u have 9ne.   
GC: I have an extremely imp9rtant matter t9 discuss with y9u, h9wever, s9 any expediency w9uld 6e greatly appreciated.   
GC: N9w, 6ef9re we 6egin, are there any triggers 9r cultural ta699s I sh9uld 6e especially aware 9f?   
EB: ugh  
EB: hi kankri.   
GC: ...   
GC: I am n9t aware 9f the s9cial m9res in human culture, 6ut in my s9ciety it is c9nsidered rude - and yes, p9ssi6ly even triggering! - t9 lapse in inf9rming a disc9urse partner 9f psychic a6ilities at the 6eginning 9f a c9nversati9n.   
GC: This rule is especially imp9rtant in cases where the psychic a6ility is a6le to pull pers9nal inf9rmati9n fr9m s9me9ne's 6rain with9ut their permissi9n, 9r in which the a6ility may 6e used 9ver extreme distances, even 6etween separate universes (alth9ugh that particular case has admittedly never 6een 96served, t9 the extent 9f my kn9wledge).   
GC: Luckily, I am n9t triggered 6y such insensitive and flagrant use of psychic a6ilities, 6ut y9u sh9uld 6e m9re careful in the future.   
EB: i'm not psychic, kankri.   
EB: we've talked before. a lot actually, though you did most of the talking.   
GC: I ap9l9gize f9r the implicit insult, 6ut I have never sp9ken with y9u 6efore. I am aware that this implies I 6elieve y9u to 6e a liar. That is n9t my primary intenti9n, alth9ugh if y9u are lying I w9uld questi9n the usefulness 9f such a lie.   
EB: wait wait wait!   
EB: before you go off on a tangent again, let me explain.   
EB: we've talked in my past, but this is your first conversation with me. for some reason, at the end of the conversation you decide that you have to troll me backwards along my timeline.   
EB: don't ask me why, it never made any sense to me.   
GC: Hm...   
GC: S9 y9u kn9w my name 6ecause I t9ld y9u in an earlier c9nversati9n which I have n9t yet experienced?   
EB: basically yeah.   
EB: that's close enough, at least.   
GC: I d9n't kn9w why I w9uld ch99se t9 tr9ll y9u 6ackwards al9ng y9ur timeline, th9ugh.   
GC: Unless  
GC: 9h dear.   
GC: Have I inadvertently triggered y9u during this c9nversati9n?   
GC: If I have, I w9uld understanda6ly refrain fr9m tr9lling y9u f9rward fr9m this p9int in time, as I w9uld wish t9 av9id triggering y9u further. In fact, that must 6e what happened and what will happen!   
EB: uh... you haven't triggered me, though.   
GC: Yes, y9u may feel that way n9w, 6ut the inex9ra6le march 9f parad9x space means that it is inevita6le that I will at s9me p9int trigger y9u during this c9nversati9n, theref9re necessitating my reverse discussi9n strategy (since we d9 have imp9rtant matters t9 discuss).   
GC: In fact, as I may have already triggered y9u (in a manner currently unn9ticed 6ut just as damaging), I 6elieve it w9uld 6e 6est if we c9ntinued this c9nversati9n in y9ur past.   
GC: I will take my leave 9f y9u n9w.   
GC: G99d day (9r rather g99d night, as I 6elieve y9u have a diurnally-6ased culture - if that is inc9rrect 9r even 9ffensive, I'm sure y9u'll let me kn9w). 

\-- garrulousClairvoyant [GC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

EB: ...   
EB: that explains so much. 

* * *

\-- cerebralGuardian [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: h3y r4dk1d!   
CG: wh4ts th3 h1ph4ps tod4y?   
TG: the hiphaps are pretty much the sweetest thing ever right now  
TG: seeing as you are just about to tell me how to reach the god tier  
CG: oh  
CG: 1s th4t wh4t 1 just told you?   
TG: well yeah  
TG: we were talking about john and how his stupidly wordalicious trolls showed him how to do it  
TG: and i asked if you could help me get there too  
TG: and you told me to wait a while and youd explain it to me then  
TG: and here we are a while later where im all prepared to hear the grand secrets of the secret troll society  
TG: induct me into your ways oh wise one  
TG: how do i get to the god tier  
CG: alr1ght h3r3s th3 th1ng r4dk1d  
CG: god t13rs not r34lly 4ll th4t r4d!   
CG: l1k3 sur3 you g3t som3 sw33t n3w duds 4nd cond1t1on4l 1mmort4l1ty  
CG: but th3 b3st pl4y3rs dont n33d 4ny of th4t stuff!   
CG: 1ts l1ke us1ng an 1nf1n1t1ve l1v3s ch34t - f1rst 1ts tot4lly fun 4nd 4w3som3, but th3n 1t just g3ts bor1ng  
TG: so what youre saying is you dont think its worth it  
CG: y34h  
CG: w3 only h4d two god t13rs 1n our s3ss1on but th3 r3st of us d1d f1n3 on our own  
CG: so 1 s4y l34v3 th3 god t13rs to th3 l4me-bra1ns who c4nt h4ndl3 th1s g4m3 th3 w4y 1ts m34nt to be pl4y3d!   
CG: you 1n, r4dk1d?   
TG: huh  
TG: yeah i guess that makes sense  
TG: kinda  
CG: alr1ght!   
CG: [ h1gh f1v3!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmfeuvfpHo1qbu0hlo1_500.gif)

* * *

CT: But it is exactly the antago+nism yo+u display to+wards yo+ur lusus that creates the tense situatio+ns yo+u co+mplain o+f!   
TT: Oh, and I suppose you are an expert on familial relationships?   
CT: O+ne do+esn't need to+ be an expert to+ make lo+gical o+bservatio+ns.   
TT: But one should endeavor to speak from an informed stance if they are speaking on a culture alien to their own.   
TT: Deference should also be granted to native members of a culture if a disagreement arises.   
CT: Such a relativistic view o+f culture makes it impo+ssible to address pro+blematic elements o+f o+thers.   
TT: What, do you believe in an absolute objective morality?   
CT: I believe there are standards all sentient species sho+uld strive to+ ho+ld themselves to+.  
TT: And who decides what those standards are?   
TT: Wait, I have to destroy this temple.   
TT: Hold that thought.   
CT: Running away wo+n't make your excuses any stro+nger.   
TT: Shut up.

* * *

\-- augustGamboler [AG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AG: :o)   
TG: ...   
TG: you got something to say to me?   
TG: dont got time to entertain every fan that wants my attention  
TG: if you wanna leave feedback for sweet bro and hella jeff just shoot me an email  
TG: otherwise get lost  
AG: :o)   
TG: sorry nobody's home  
TG: weve all gone to party at chuck e cheeses  
TG: we meant to invite you but oops the invitation probably got lost in the mail  
TG: and you know there are so many chuck e cheeses around i dont remember which one were at  
TG: so just save yourself the trouble and get a book to read or something  
TG: play mario party by yourself and try to hold the tears back  
AG: :o)   
TG: is that your whole trolling bit  
TG: cuz its actually pretty good for a six year old  
TG: thats how old i assume you are since anybody older knows trollings fucking stupid  
TG: oh excuse my language  
TG: trolling is fucking silly  
AG: :o)   
TG: alright if thats all youve got to say ive got better stuff to do than entertain a prepubescent mute  
AG: THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS HAVE SEEN YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS AND IT MADE THE MOTHERFUCKERS LAUGH  
AG: YOU HAVE CREATED YOUR OWN UNMAKING WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING WORDS OF THE HIGHEST HERESY  
AG: THE MESSIAHS WILL COME WITH A MOTHERFUCKING WHOOP THAT WILL SPLIT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SOUL INTO PIECES  
AG: AND YOUR MIRACULOUS TORTURE WILL NEVER END  
AG: HONK  
AG: :o) 

\-- augustGamboler [AG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: holy shit

* * *

\-- garrulousClairvoyant [GC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

GG: noooo :(   
GC: Such a resp9nse is incredi6ly disheartening and 9ffensive. If I were an individual with l9wer self-esteem I w9uld certainly feel triggered if that were s9me9ne's first resp9nse t9 my name.   
GG: maybe thats the point!!!   
GC: Y9u _want_ t9 trigger me? That is an incredi6ly pr96lematic stance t9 take! Triggers sh9uld n9t 6e used n9r treated lightly, as they are a very seri9us pr96lem f9r many pe9ple, and each micr9aggressi9n makes it that much m9re difficult f9r th9se pe9ple t9 get the understanding they truly need.   
GG: kankri i know all that  
GG: you say it literally every time you talk to me  
GG: i am sick of your constant talking!!!   
GG: at least the other trolls dont talk as much as you, even if most of them are incredibly rude  
GG: now just leave me alone!!   
GC: There are imp9rtant matters we need t9 discuss, th9ugh. Matters that simply cann9t wait.  
GG: ... are they actually important, or are you just trying to trick me into listening to another one of your privilege lectures?   
GC: Lectures 9n privilege visi6ility and awareness are always imp9rtant, Jade. 6ut t9day we must discuss the game, and 9ur plan c9ncerning the p9ssi6le survival of 69th 9ur races.   
GC: I have created a mem9 f9r us t9 speak with each 9ther freely.   
GC: 

**SURVIVAL MEM9 (Trigger warnings: death, gen9cide, etc. (full list inside mem9))** 


  
GG: okay...   
GG: but if you start lecturing again im out! 

* * *

TT: But why do these Exiles command us?   
TT: And how are they supposed to restore Earth if it's been destroyed by meteors and god knows what else?   
TT: Aren't they simply game constructs, anyway? Is this the game's attempt at achieving some sort of karmic balance?   
CG: whooo444 slow down th3r3 g1rl!   
CG: 1 c4nt 3v3n t3ll 1f th3 word1n3ss com3s from th3 s33r s1d3 or th3 l1ght s1d3  
CG: you t4lk 3nough to k33p up w1th both k4nkr1 4nd 4r4n34!   
TT: The light side? Are we suddenly in the Star Wars universe?   
TT: Will I get a cool lightsaber?   
CG: 1gnor1ng your l4m3 hum4n cultur4l r3f3r3nc3  
CG: l1ght 1s p4rt of your t1tl3  
CG: your3 s33r of l1ght, 1m kn1ght of m1nd, r4dk1ds kn1ght of t1m3  
CG: k4nkr1 1s our s33r, but h3s 4 s33r of blood  
CG: 4nd 4r4n34s th3 sylph of l1ght  
TT: Fascinating.   
TT: What do they all mean?   
CG: th4ts wh4t th3 g4m3s for! you gott4 f1gur3 1t out for yours3lf

* * *

\-- tackingAeronaut [TA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

TA: hey doll...   
GG: um, hello?   
GG: have we talked before? i feel like i remember your name for some reason  
TA: yeah, 1 trolled you once or tw1ce when you were sleep1ng...   
TA: you had that k1ck*ss robot to do the typ1ng for you...   
GG: oh right! :D  
GG: you were the one who liked to talk about flying a lot  
TA: ha ha, yeah... fly1ng was one of the coolest parts of the game... f1rst 1 was over on prosp1t and then my own w1ngs grew 1n... that was pretty sweet...   
GG: your own wings? do trolls grow wings?   
TA: nah, not all of us... only if you're a m*tant l1ke me...   
TA: or god t1er 1 guess... aranea got a t1ght set of w1ngs when she ascended...   
GG: oh, cool!!!   
GG: i really liked flying around on prospit, but i always wondered what wings would be like  
GG: is there any difference?   
TA: nah, not really...   
TA: 1 bet you'd look f*ck1n sweet w1th a pair of w1ngs though, doll...   
GG: hehe, thanks! :D  
GG: but um...   
GG: why do you keep calling me doll?   
TA: oh, sorry, that's what 1 call g1rls... 1f 1t bugs you, 1 could try and stop...   
GG: oh no, its not a problem  
GG: i just wanted to make sure you werent flirting with me  
GG: the purple one was just talking to me and... well... :|   
TA: oh no, 1'm def1n1tely NOT fl1rt1ng  
GG: phew!   
GG: not that youre not a very nice troll! i just wouldnt be interested in something like that  
TA: bel1eve me, 1've got my hands full 1n the concup1sc1ent quadrants already...   
TA: 1 wouldn't want to add any more problems on top...   
GG: alright then  
GG: so, did you want to talk to me about something?   
TA: oh... r1ght...   
TA: 1 th1nk 1 need to apolog1ze for someth1ng... 

* * *

\-- tautologousChronicler [TC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

TC: Hello, John!   
TC: Are you fully prepared to face the trials ahead of you?   
EB: uh  
EB: sure?   
TC: Excellent! ::::)   
TC: I must say, I'm very excited to watch your ascension.   
TC: Neither our Heir nor our 8reath player ascended to god tier, so I was never a8le to see what their outfits or a8ilities were like.   
TC: The implement8ion of god tier ascension is actually quite interesting! For example, there are actually several ways to ascend. One requires a living dreamself and involves dying within a quest recuperacoon (or upon a quest 8ed in your case).   
TC: Another requires a sacrificial sla8 from the player's dream planet.   
TC: That method seems to trigger when a player's dreamself has died, or when they have 8een revived via dreamself. I'm not certain whether that's a definite requirement or just a quirk of the sessions in which it's 8een invoked.   
TC: In fact, due to the paradoxical n8ure of the game, it could 8e that such methods are only availa8le to those who will eventually attain god tier in that fashion.   
EB: wait a second aranea.   
EB: are you saying i have to die to get god tier?   
TC: Oh yes.   
TC: Didn't I mention that?  
EB: no. no you did not.   
TC: That's odd, I was certain I'd mentioned it when you first asked a8out the process.   
EB: no, my impending death was definitely never mentioned.   
TC: Well, I apologize, then. As a Light player, I should really remem8er to convey the most important information first.   
TC: Otherwise, I o8viously get sidetracked too quickly. ::::)   
EB: so uh  
EB: i'm going to die soon?   
TC: Oh, don't worry! I can put you to sleep so you won't feel a thing.   
EB: that doesn't really make me feel better.   
EB: i mean, i'll still be dead.   
TC: Only for a little while!   
TC: And then you'll ascend to god tier on the 8attlefield, along with the immortality that implies.   
EB: i still don't feel comfortable with dying.   
EB: even if it is only for a little bit.   
TC: Oh, John.   
TC: Don't you understand the advantages of god tier?   
EB: yeah, but...   
TC: Don't worry a8out it, John.   
TC: Just lie down on your 8ed and I'll take care of the rest.   
TC: ::::) 


End file.
